Loved and Lost
by Beth Smith
Summary: Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Well, Tennyson... I hate to break it to ya, but a certain greaser just doesn't agree. Dally's POV


**Disclaimer: **Only Katie and Grammy are mine, since I'm assuming Dally DID have a mom at some time.  
**A/N: **I was thinking about Dally, as usual. lol. Italics are flashbacks...

**Loved and Lost**

Johnny's dead. Dammit. Johnny. Why Johnny?

Because I loved Johnny. He's like, the only one in the gang I can say I loved. I mean, the other guys are my buddies, I guess, but... Johnny, man... If there was anybody on this earth who deserved better than what he had, it was Johnny. And he died. Why did he have to die? Why couldn't it have been me?

Because somebody up there hates me. God or whoever it is. Because somehow I pissed off the Big Guy, and he's punishing me.

I should have known. I shouldn't have gone for it. I shouldn't have loved Johnny. Just liked him OK. But how could you not love a kid like Johnny. Havin' him around was like havin' a kid brother. Somebody to look out for. He was just one of those people. He had those big black eyes that just broke your heart. Until I met him, I'd forgotten I had a heart for anyone to break. It was so hard and cold. But that kid warmed it up some, broke through the hardness... And I hate myself for letting him.

I was stupid. I shouldn't have loved him. Because everyone I love ends up getting ripped away from me. And it's always my fault.

**13 years earlier:**

_Daddy's gone, and Mommy's playing with me. She's helping me put together a puzzle. I like puzzles. They're hard, but Mommy always helps me._

_"Here, Dallas," she says. "Put this one here."_

_I take the puzzle piece from her and put it where she told me to. It fits just right. "Good job, sweetie," she sas._

_I look at my mommy. I'm really tired tired. "Come on, sweetie," she says. "You look tired."_

_I nod. I am tired. I climb up on Mommy's lap and go to sleep in her arms. She's always so warm and she can put me right to sleep. She smells good. Like soap and sometimes food. Not like beer. Daddy always smells like beer._

_When I wake up, Mommy's still holding me. She's asleep, too. I reach up to her cheek and give her a kiss. "Mommy, wake up."_

_She wakes up and smiles at me. "Hey, sweetie. You have a nice nap?"_

_I grin. "Yep."_

_"Good," she says. "But now we have to get this place shaped up for Daddy."_

_I'm scared. I know what Daddy will do if the apartment's a mess when he gets home._

_We clean it up. I help Mommy alot, and when Daddy gets home, we have the apartment clean, and Mommy's making supper._

_We eat, and even though we can't be loud or Daddy will get mad, Mommy smiles at me across the table every once in a while so I know she loves me. Me and Mommy don't have to say nothing. We just look at each other and smile, and we're happy. Daddy doesn't know. But we do. I love my mommy._

**A Few Months Later:**

_My mommy's sick. And it's all my fault. She was out looking for me when I was playing with my friends. I was playing in the alley with Tommy and Jake and some other guys, and she came looking for me._

_When she got there, she said, "Come on, Dallas. We need to go home. It's lunch time."_

_The other guys were hungry, too, so they all went home._

_We were walking home, and this man came out and said, "Hey, lady," in a real scary voice._

_Mommy said, "Hello," real sweet, and kept walking. She was holdin' my hand real tight, and I tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let me._

_"How about givin' me that purse," the man said, looking at Mommy._

_"I can't," she said. She sounded real brave, and I would have been real proud if I wasn't so scared._

_"Yeah, you can," he said, and he hit Mommy real hard in the face. She fell down... she hit her head real hard._

_And the man took her purse. He ran away, and I wished I was big and tough so I could beat him to a pulp._

_I looked at Mommy. "You OK?" I asked. But she didn't open her eyes. I ran as fast as I could down the street toward the police station. I had to find somebody. A man stopped me before I even got there. "Hey, son. Are you OK?"_

_"My Mommy," I said. "A man hit her real hard, and she won't wake up!"_

_The man looked at me, then said, "Take me to her, son."_

_I ran back to where Mommy was. The man looked at her. He looked real upset, and that made me upset. "Help her, Mister!" I said._

_He kept looking at me. "I'll go call an ambulance."_

_I sat down beside Mommy and played in her hair. Why did I have to go play in the alley? If I'd just stayed out of the alley like she told me to, she wouldn't have come looking for me. It's all my fault._

**The next day: **

_Mommy woke up! I'm here with my Grammy. _

_"Dallas," Mommy says. I jump up and down. She'll be OK now!_

_"Hey, Mommy!" I say. "Can we go home now?"_

_Mommy smiles at me. "No, Dallas. We can't go home. Not together."_

_"But..." I don't know why Mommy can't go home with me._

_"Come here, Dallas," she says, patting the bed beside her. I climb up on the bed, and she smiles at me. "Dallas, I'm not going home again. I can't."_

_"Why not?" I demand, hurt._

_"Because, sweetie... My brain... it's bleeding, and the doctors can't fix it," she says real quite-like._

_Grammy's crying. "It's a miracle you're awake, darling. They said..."_

_Mommy looks at her, then back at me. "Dallas, you be a good boy, OK? Don't give your Daddy too much trouble." She hugs me, and picks up the St. Christopher medal on my necklace. "St. Christopher will take care of you," she says. "And I'll be here, too. Even if you can't see me."_

_I hold onto my medal with one hand, wrapping the other arm around Mommy. "Mommy, please don't leave me."_

God. My mom. She was such a great lady. Why'd she have to die instead of the old man? Because God hates me. That's why. Everyone I love, He takes away.

I cried for days after she died. And my dad'd beat the stuffing out of me until I couldn't cry anymore.

God, I hate my old man.

And I hate myself for loving anyone. Because it's my fault they keep leaving me.

**4 years earlier: **

_Katie Cochran. Just a few weeks ago, she was the new girl at school. Wow, she's pretty. Dark brown hair and blue eyes. I never really cared all that much for girls before. But this one is something else._

_We started talking a little right after she showed up. Next thing I know, she's wearing my Christopher, and we're a couple. Sure, we're only 13, but heck. I don't care if she don't. _

_Most of the guys are jealous. I'm the only one of us that ain't datin' a cheap whore. Katie's real sweet. Kinda reminds me of... Nevermind. I don't wanna think about that._

_----_

_Dammit. The old man kicked me out again. And of all things, right out in the New York winter. Somebody really oughtta shoot him someday. I'll freeze to death, and he won't even know._

_I walk down the streets aimlessly. God, it's cold. I pull my jacket tighter around me. As I wander, I notice an apartment building that I know. Katie's place. I look up and see her window. The light's still on in there. Maybe..._

_I climb up the fire escape stairs to her window, then I knock lightly. I cross my fingers that her parents aren't in there or anything._

_She comes to the window, opens the curtain, and smiles. She opens the window as quiet as she can considering that most apartment windows are pretty damn squeaky._

_"Dallas," she whispers. "What are you doing here?"_

_I stumble over the words. "I'm... I'm... My old man kicked me out. And I was wonderin' if I could come in and get warm."_

_She smiles at me. "Come on in. Just be quiet. I don't think my dad'll like this very much."_

_I grin like an idiot. "Why not? Ain't like we're doin' nothin'. I'm just cold."_

_She sighs. "Well, try telling my dad that."_

_She lets me in, and I sit down on her bed, pulling my jacket tight around me._

_"Let's get some sleep," she says casually, like she was just havin' a sleepover with some friend of hers._

_I move to lay down in the floor, but she says, "It's cold in the floor. Get under these covers."_

_I almost laugh at her. She's acting like my mother instead of my girlfriend._

_I kick my shoes off into the floor, then toss my jacket and shirt beside the bed, and Katie pulls the covers over us._

_"Why'd your father kick you out?" she asks me, snuggling into my arms. She feels right in my arms. It's weird, but I kinda like it._

_"Hell if I know," I reply, squeezing her just a little. I rest my cheek on her hair. "But thanks for lettin' me in."_

_"No problem, sweetie," she says. "I love you."_

_I look into her blue eyes, and though I've tried to fight it, I can't anymore. "I love you, too."_

_"Dally?" she says softly._

_"Yeah?"_

_"You have to be out of here by 5 in the morning. My dad gets up then to get ready for work then." She snuggles her head into my chest. It's kinda like bein' in a movie or something. I like it._

_"Katie," I say softly. "When we get out of school... You wanna get married?"_

_Katie smiles. "Yeah. Yeah, I think so."_

_I feel her relax in my arms, and she's breathing real soft. I tuck the covers around her and go to sleep._

_----_

_"What the hell is going on here!" An angry yell shakes me out of my sleep. It takes me a minute to figure out where I am. Then I feel Katie's soft hand on my chest, and I realize that her Dad's discovered us. Damn._

_Katie's eyes are full of fear as she looks at me. "Dallas, you should go," she says._

_"Not until _I _get through with him," her dad says. _

_I'm too tired to fight with my own old man, much less somebody elses. I roll out of bed, reaching for my T-shirt. "Mr. Cochran," I say, trying to be respectful. "Nothin' happened. I had a problem at home, and it was too cold to be outside. So Katie let me in to get warm and get some rest." Hell, I don't know what he thinks happened. Katie still has her pajamas on, and I'm still in my jeans._

_I pull on my T-shirt and jacket, then my boots. "Don't punish Katie," I say. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have asked her."_

_"You're damn right you shouldn't have asked her," he says._

_Katie looks at me, then at her old man. "Dallas, go. I'll see you at school."_

_I nod, too angry to think straight. "Fine."_

_I raise the window and slip outside. "Love you, Katie."_

_"Love you, too."_

_----_

_Katie's not here yet. I'm in 5th period, and Katie's not here._

_Neither are her brothers..._

_Oh, no... Surely... If he..._

_----_

_I walk home, knowin' my dad's still at work. I want to go to Katie's, but that's just askin' for trouble. I switch on the TV as I fix myself a sandwich._

_What's on? The news? Oh, well..._

_"In today's news, a girl was found outside her apartment building beaten to death. Thirteen-year-old Katherine Cochran was found at 8:30 this morning outside of her apartment building. She suffered severe bruises. Her father, Raymond Cochran has been arrested in connection with the death."_

_I sit down and stare at the screen._

_God, no._

_Not again._

Katie's the only chick I ever loved. I promised after her I'd never love anyone else, because I just end up screwing up everyone's life. It's like everything I touch get's destroyed. And it's all my fault.

So, when I met Johnnycake, and realized that he'd found a place in my heart, I almost _knew_ it was going to be trouble.

_"You sure can cuss good, Dally."_

_"Sure can."_

Why did God take the last person I loved away. He's taken every person I loved. Dammit, what did I ever do that was so bad. Sure, I'm a hood now, but I wasn't when I was four and my mom died. What did I ever do to You, God? I was a good kid when I was little. I always said my prayers. But then I figured out you didn't like me, so I stopped.

And now, I'm gonna stop everything. Stop loving. Stop caring. Stop breathing.

At least when you're dead, nothing can hurt you. And you can't love anything anymore. I used to think I could be tough enough to fight it, but I'm not. I can't fight it off. But if I'm dead, there's nothin' to fight.

Yeah. Bein' dead don't sound so bad.


End file.
